I feel like it's kind of crazy how 2 years ago I wrote basically the same things I'm writing today.
There are so many things I don't understand.
I want to start by saying that maybe it's just me today, maybe I'll forget about it tomorrow but I need to write about this. Future me needs to know.
I still feel alone. Maybe it's my depression and my lack of self worth or maybe it's him.
I don't feel like he doesn't care. I just feel like he doesn't think about me. I'm not important enough for him. Everything else is more important than me.
I feel like he is just performing. He is doing everything a good boyfriend is supposed to do but he fails when it comes to love me.
I should have seen it. How quickly he said "I love you" after he asked me to be his girlfriend, when he told his friend that I'm "not pretty", how quickly his mood changes when I tell him I don't feel like we spend enough time together, how he never asks me to stay when I have to go, how he doesn't tell me that he misses me, how he lets his friends treat me like shit, how he never communicates with me.
I will never believe you when you tell me I'm beautiful. I can't trust you. Everytime, it feels like a lie.
Our relationship ended a few days after it started but I'm still here.
He lies.
I know he still talks to that guy even when he says he never talks to him first.
But there's nothing I can do. I feel disrespected a bit more everytime and I have to stay, because otherwise, I have nowhere else to go. Should I tell him to stop talking to him? But then what? I don't want to do that because I don't want to control who his friends are.
"If you want, I can block him" If I want? So you don't want to? So you don't think what he did was wrong? You just keep it hidden. I can't know you still talk to him. Because you are not supposed to. Because that's not what a good boyfriend should do.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he does love me and is not just doing all of this out of obligation. Or maybe he is also tied to this relationship as much as I am. Maybe he hasn't noticed.
What if I'm wrong? He's been a good boyfriend. He does things for me, he helps me. He supports my decisions. That's what good boyfriends do, right? He loves me, right? He is perfect.
Right?
He never introduces me to other people. He never defends me. He's always tired. He never actually listens to me.
I stand awkwarly to the side. I have to defend myself. I have to stop doing things or do them by myself. I just keep talking while he gives me short answers and then I say "so, what do you think?" but I know that he won't say anything. He will just agree with me. Because that's the easiest thing to do what good boyfriends do.
But you should see how much energy he has for his friends, how much he talks and talks with his friends, how he laughs at his friends' jokes. He plans things with his friends, and gives them all his time while he has energy and how he makes time during work to talk to his friends and engages in conversation with his friends.
And he sometimes does that with me, but it's after they are done with him or when his night is almost over.
I wanted to learn how to play a videogame and be good at it so we could play together, but we don't do that anymore. He spends more time with them than with me now, and when we are in a call, we don't play anything, I just talk and talk but he is so bored that ends up playing something while I talk. I'm not entertaining enough. I'm not interesting enough. I'm not enough.
But to break up will destroy me. After all this time? No, I can't. I do love him. I love him. All the love that I have for him will hurt so much without him. What if I regret it? What if he doesn't take me back?
I would rather be with him. I would rather wait all my life if necessary than see him doing everything I asked him to for somebody else.
Not after all the work I put in this relationship, all those tears and sleepless nights of telling him how shitty I feel and what I want from him. Not after fighting for my place in his life, against him and his family.
Because I know I'm not asking too much. I know what I want and I shouldn't feel bad about expressing how I feel.
I would rather die sad in a loveless marriage than see him with someone else, doing everything I cried for. Doing all I'm dying for him to do and even more. I deserve that. I deserve to be loved by someone I love.
I hope I forget about this tomorrow, when the crying is over and the anger is gone.
I hope I'm wrong. I hope he loves me.
He will say none of this is true. His mood will change and he will raise his voice. He will mention all the times he didn't do any of the things I wrote about. He will list them, his chores. All the things good boyfriends do.
I will apologize. I will say that I'm just expressing how I feel and I didn't mean to make him feel bad.
He will say "okay" and the mood will change. I will start asking myself if this is it, if this was his last straw and I lost him forever.
"But we spend the whole weekend together", while he watches videos on his phone and then jumps to the opportunity to play with his friends. "I didn't play with my friends last weekend" One out of a hundred. Because we went out until later and you were too tired to even play with your friends.
You were too tired after one night out with your girlfriend and her friends. A very tiring chore. Guess what he did Sunday? Want a clue? That stinging pain I feel when I see him turning on his computer and sitting in his chair.
Too dramatic? Maybe. I guess you have to live six years of that to understand.
It takes him to make an atheist say "God, I hope he loves me."
I don't think I'm wrong, but after all these years, God, I really hope he does.
