Same thing again

I feel like it's kind of crazy how 2 years ago I wrote basically the same things I'm writing today.

There are so many things I don't understand.

I want to start by saying that maybe it's just me today, maybe I'll forget about it tomorrow but I need to write about this. Future me needs to know.
I still feel alone. Maybe it's my depression and my lack of self worth or maybe it's him.

I don't feel like he doesn't care. I just feel like he doesn't think about me. I'm not important enough for him. Everything else is more important than me. 
I feel like he is just performing. He is doing everything a good boyfriend is supposed to do but he fails when it comes to love me.

I should have seen it. How quickly he said "I love you" after he asked me to be his girlfriend, when he told his friend that I'm "not pretty", how quickly his mood changes when I tell him I don't feel like we spend enough time together, how he never asks me to stay when I have to go, how he doesn't tell me that he misses me, how he lets his friends treat me like shit, how he never communicates with me.
I will never believe you when you tell me I'm beautiful. I can't trust you. Everytime, it feels like a lie. 
Our relationship ended a few days after it started but I'm still here.

He lies.

I know he still talks to that guy even when he says he never talks to him first.

But there's nothing I can do. I feel disrespected a bit more everytime and I have to stay, because otherwise, I have nowhere else to go. Should I tell him to stop talking to him? But then what? I don't want to do that because I don't want to control who his friends are.
 
"If you want, I can block him" If I want? So you don't want to? So you don't think what he did was wrong? You just keep it hidden. I can't know you still talk to him. Because you are not supposed to. Because that's not what a good boyfriend should do.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he does love me and is not just doing all of this out of obligation. Or maybe he is also tied to this relationship as much as I am. Maybe he hasn't noticed.

What if I'm wrong? He's been a good boyfriend. He does things for me, he helps me. He supports my decisions. That's what good boyfriends do, right? He loves me, right? He is perfect.

Right?

He never introduces me to other people. He never defends me. He's always tired. He never actually listens to me. 
I stand awkwarly to the side. I have to defend myself. I have to stop doing things or do them by myself. I just keep talking while he gives me short answers and then I say "so, what do you think?" but I know that he won't say anything. He will just agree with me. Because that's the easiest thing to do what good boyfriends do.

But you should see how much energy he has for his friends, how much he talks and talks with his friends, how he laughs at his friends' jokes. He plans things with his friends, and gives them all his time while he has energy and how he makes time during work to talk to his friends and engages in conversation with his friends.

And he sometimes does that with me, but it's after they are done with him or when his night is almost over. 
I wanted to learn how to play a videogame and be good at it so we could play together, but we don't do that anymore. He spends more time with them than with me now, and when we are in a call, we don't play anything, I just talk and talk but he is so bored that ends up playing something while I talk. I'm not entertaining enough. I'm not interesting enough. I'm not enough.

But to break up will destroy me. After all this time? No, I can't. I do love him. I love him. All the love that I have for him will hurt so much without him. What if I regret it? What if he doesn't take me back?
I would rather be with him. I would rather wait all my life if necessary than see him doing everything I asked him to for somebody else.
Not after all the work I put in this relationship, all those tears and sleepless nights of telling him how shitty I feel and what I want from him. Not after fighting for my place in his life, against him and his family. 
Because I know I'm not asking too much. I know what I want and I shouldn't feel bad about expressing how I feel. 

I would rather die sad in a loveless marriage than see him with someone else, doing everything I cried for. Doing all I'm dying for him to do and even more. I deserve that. I deserve to be loved by someone I love. 

I hope I forget about this tomorrow, when the crying is over and the anger is gone.
I hope I'm wrong. I hope he loves me.

He will say none of this is true. His mood will change and he will raise his voice. He will mention all the times he didn't do any of the things I wrote about. He will list them, his chores. All the things good boyfriends do.
I will apologize. I will say that I'm just expressing how I feel and I didn't mean to make him feel bad.
He will say "okay" and the mood will change. I will start asking myself if this is it, if this was his last straw and I lost him forever. 

"But we spend the whole weekend together", while he watches videos on his phone and then jumps to the opportunity to play with his friends. "I didn't play with my friends last weekend" One out of a hundred. Because we went out until later and you were too tired to even play with your friends. 
You were too tired after one night out with your girlfriend and her friends. A very tiring chore. Guess what he did Sunday? Want a clue? That stinging pain I feel when I see him turning on his computer and sitting in his chair.

Too dramatic? Maybe. I guess you have to live six years of that to understand. 
It takes him to make an atheist say "God, I hope he loves me."

I don't think I'm wrong, but after all these years, God, I really hope he does.

I should be working

I don't even know where to start.
I feel so fucking alone. How can I have this connection with someone and still feel like we don't have one?

I feel like I don't deserve anyone. I feel like no one understands. I feel like the bad thing that happens to everyone.

I know no one's reading. I know things won't change.
I deleted everything in this blog about her, well some things.

I found funny how I said that I wouldn't give myself to someone ever again. That it is too much and a waste of time.
I love this guy and I can't imagine my life without him now.

But I still feel like we are miles away from each other.

I want to be someone's priority. I want someone that is always there for me, someone that understands me and wants to do everything with me. Someone that always thinks about me without me having to ask. Someone that is not afraid of being with me.
I want someone that would fight for me because they are afraid to lose me, that would defend me because they believe in me.
And I feel like an idiot for wanting those things. I feel like I should be grateful, like I've been given enough but I still feel alone. I'm really sorry.

I feel like he enjoys everything else but spending time with me. Like he prefers doing anything else than being with me.

I wanna go out on dates and do things with him, but he is always tired.
Anyway, I'll go cry a bit and then continue working, I guess.

Hope someone cared, but no one does, and if they do, they don't understand. So I'm alone even if I'm surrounded by a lot of people.

It is funny how I miss you so much right now.
I can't believe I go back to that, everytime.

I wanna stop but I can't. You messed me up. You made me believe that I can love someone else.

Now, here I am, waiting for him to give me all the love that you gave me before.

I can't do this anymore. I feel everything, all the time and I just want this to stop.
I can't do this to him. I can't tell you how many times I just want to talk to you and go back to our relationship, to you.

He's way better than you'd ever be. He's the best person I know. He would never hurt me like you did.
He would do anything for me and I'd still go back.

Even after all of that, you were still my friend. And I can't believe that I will cry myself to sleep tonight, thinking about you. After all these years.
I feel so alone, even when I'm with him.
You left me all alone.
You would know what to do.

He doesn't.
He's clueless.

But he tries.
He tries so much it hurts. He loves me so much he would do anything.
I do too. I love him, even after everything I did, I love him.
I will never find anyone like him.
She fell first but he fell harder.

But I'd still go back.

2014 so far

Este año ha sido muy horrible para mí.

Ya sé, aún no acaba.

Me he dado cuenta de algo importante.

Este pudo ser un buen año si no hubiese sido tan idiota.
Tengo una amiga (la cual no sé si me considera una amiga) y recién empiezo a conocerla.

Estoy tratando mucho para no meterme en mi cama y quedarme ahí para siempre porque quiero ir a verla, ver películas e intentar repostería, como siempre que voy a su casa.

Es algo bueno lo que tengo ahí pero cuesta mucho cuando tu ánimo está tirado en el piso y no tengo la fuerza para levantarlo.

Ya malogré algo por poner mucho sentimientos y esto no será así.
Y estoy completamente dispuesta a guardar todo para mi cuaderno y este blog, solamente.

Sólo quiero recordarme siempre lo difícil que es ir por la vida guardando sentimientos.

Voy a intentar esto.
Voy a intentar no ir donde Shantall ha llorarle porque sé que ella no quiere eso.

Otra vez estoy sola y tengo que recordar cómo era todo antes.
Soy muy muy tonta y no tengo nada que hacer aquí.

Sigo porque he intentado mucho y nunca funciona.

Quieren internarme porque siete veces ya es demasiado pero no pueden porque mi situación en el colegio ahora no es muy buena y si me voy, empeoraré todo.

Yo me rendí hace mucho, como siempre digo y no importa lo que venga, siempre será lo peor.

Antes no era tan malo hacer todo por ti.
Ahora me siento estúpida.

¿Desde cuándo las personas se parecen tanto a ti?

Sólo quería mencionarte que te veo en cada sitio a donde voy, te recuerdo con cada canción que escucho e incluso te sueño y espero encontrarte en cualquier lugar.

Hablamos de ti pero no mencionamos tu nombre.
Lloré otra vez pero me mantuve firme.

Nadie tiene que saber por qué lloré.
Se supone que soy fuerte, ahora.

Todo el día estuviste en mi mente. Como todos los días.

Hay muchas cosas que quiero decirte pero no importan porque no las vas a escuchar.

¿Serías capaz de olvidar todo o es pedir demasiado?
Probablemente lo último.

No importa.

Quiero que el tiempo pase rápido y haga que mi cerebro se limpie otra vez.
Ya no quiero seguir con esto y sólo hay dos maneras de pararlo.
La primera opción no es posible.

Estoy muy lejos de ti y tengo miedo de volver.

I'm empty

Normalmente, tengo episodios donde estoy más triste de lo normal.

Últimamente he estado ansiosa. Me molestan los ruidos, sobretodo los más fuertes.
Pero si eso es normal. Sí pero no para mí. Normalmente me molestan los ruidos pero no como para jalarme el cabello, rascarme los brazos hasta que estén rojos, encontrar cualquier cosa para hacerme daño y llorar.

Ahora, a esta molestia de ruidos, se le suman las niñas.
Juro que estoy escribiendo esto con la poca racionalidad que me queda.
Incluso mis amigas han sido así de estúpidas y lo siguen siendo pero las niñas de mi salón son algo que no puedo controlar.
Estoy irritable todo el tiempo.

Me estoy cortando sin razón alguna. A veces no estoy triste cuando lo hago. Tampoco es que esté en un mood normal.

Me corto cuando no siento nada.

Veo cosas tristes y escucho canciones tristes, para hacerme sentir miserable.
Ya lo estoy, de hecho pero quiero que venga más a mí.

He empezado a pensar que esto podría ser algo así como un castigo.
Me siento muy culpable por todo lo que hago.

Esto va más allá de la depresión.

Me siento vacía, miserable y confundida.

Lo gracioso es que se siente como algo fuerte.
El límite sería un intento de suicido pero esto ha pasado el límite sin el intento de suicidio.

Tengo las pastillas para hacerlo y a mis padres completamente distraídos pero no lo intento porque no estoy deprimida solamente. Estoy vacía.

Ahora no vale nada.

No importa cuán triste esté. Pienso que no valdrá la pena intentar suicidarme.
Lo cual es raro.

Debería haberlo hecho ya.

Al menos dos intentos, pero no hay nada.

Estoy volviendo a burlarme de mí misma.
Me encanta sentirme sufriendo y me duele sentirme feliz por mi sufrimiento, pero aún así no es suficiente como para que esté bien.

Si no estoy vacía, estoy perdida.
Si estoy perdida, ya no tengo nada.

Mi cerebro es importante para mí y si ya no puedo controlar eso, entonces ya no tengo nada.

I don’t know how it got so bad

Tanta presión, tantas preguntas.

Al final sólo nos obligan a decir que estamos bien y que podemos nosotros solos pero al final, nada ha cambiado para bien.

Nos duele dejar ir todo pero ¿qué más puedes hacer si crees que no encajas ahí?

Pieces

A veces necesitamos hacer algo por los demás, desprendiendo nuestra propia alma.
A veces esto se convierte en un completo caso de egoísmo y buscas arreglarlo pero puede ser muy tarde.

Sé que esto ya acabó y que posiblemente sea el final de muchas eras y cosas pero no se siente real.

Es posible que me obligue a creer que hago todo bien por ahora y que todos los demás están bien.

Derramo cosas en mi camino esperando que alguien las recoja y me las dé.
Es muy egoísta. Soy egoísta.

Sé que es malo pero voy saliendo de un mundo e ingresando a otro donde nunca quise estar y me confundo.
Nada puede estar bien si siento que todo me persigue.

La culpa me mata, pero no hay nada que hacer.

Las disculpas no solucionan cosas que están al final de la línea, donde todo ya está perdido. Incluso yo.

I'm a mistake.

I hope you're doing fine 

And if you ever wonder, 

I'm lonely here at night